Sleep scientists at the University Of Miami recently concluded that there is a direct correlation between our sleep cycle and the news cycle, and it is now understood that humans should be getting at least 22 hours of sleep a day.
Various sources report that yeah, this all makes a lot of sense, given the situation right now.
“The findings are extraordinary, but not really surprising,” says senior researcher Eric Silverman. “For years we thought people generally needed 7-9 hours of sleep per 24-hour cycle, but back then, current events were not so claustrophobically clustered, and the content not nearly as overwhelmingly shitty. The longer continuous sleep the human mind gets, the less it has to critically think about all the fucked up stuff happening all the goddamn time.”
“And no waking up every hour to check Twitter – that will just throw you back into the cycle of freaking the fuck out,” says Dr. Silverman. “Once you’ve freaked yourself the fuck out, it could take another 10 hours of continuous sleep to bring you back into restful, peaceful oblivion.”
And while the research is still in its early stages, scientists may have discovered a sixth stage in the sleep cycle called BLISS (Biorhythmic Lengthening In Sleep State). During BLISS your mind is still active, but barely. According to Dr. Silverman, “It’s as if your brain kind of enters a train car and sits waiting in that train car until the ride is over. It’s almost like being dead, but nothing hurts and everything is grand.”
With the news cycle being what it is, it can be nearly impossible to adequately rest and re-energize. Doctors suggest that waking time would occur for one hour every 12 hours and it would be reserved for one good meal and one good cry. After that, it is suggested that you lay down, curl up into the fetal position, turn off the lights, and close your blessed eyes.