A report out of the Harvard School of Dentistry has confirmed the public’s worst fear: Dentists can tell that you only flossed this week because you knew you had an appointment coming up and were hoping they wouldn’t notice.
“We literally always notice,” said Dr. Meghana Mehta. “We look at teeth all day long. You think we can’t tell you stopped flossing for five months and three weeks, then flossed really hard for 3 straight days? Your gums are inflamed. You make me sick.”
The American Dentistry Association confirmed that dentists previously decided to keep this information to themselves. They have since opted to release it because the state of flossing in this country has declined so precipitously, and everybody seems really smug about it.
“Plaque buildup happens over time,” Dr. Mehta continued. “So, when you only floss for a week before your appointment, there’s still a ton of hardened plaque everywhere else. It’s like when a toddler draws on the walls and then tries to cover it up by throwing peanut butter on it. We’re just sitting there staring like, ‘Why did you think you did something here, and where did you get all this peanut butter?’”
“Wait, so Dr. Green could always tell that I wasn’t flossing regularly for six months?” said local patient Frankie Childers. “But I flossed so hard that one time!”
“Frankie came in, and her gums were already bleeding,” said Dr. Green, all light gone from her eyes. “I ask if she flossed, and when she said ‘Yes!’ I could see the plaque with my bare eyes. Which is crazy considering I usually wear glasses and plaque isn’t typically visible from five feet away. It seemed like she was really proud of herself, though, so I didn’t say anything.”
“I’m never mad that my patients lie, just disappointed,” Dr. Mehta continued. “There’s an unspoken agreement that when you walk into my office, we’re both going to be adults here. There’s also a written agreement that if you haven’t flossed for a total of 14 days since your last visit, the cleaning costs extra.”
In addition to dentists, sources confirm that doctors know you’re drinking more alcohol than you say, and gynecologists know you’re having less sex than declared.
In response to the published report, the nation’s dental patients made a collective promise to floss for real this time. 48 hours later, none had followed through. That’s the spirit of consistency, fellas!