In a paradoxical story out of Seattle, WA, all of 24-year-old Emily Dalby’s friends describe her as “easygoing,” which is odd considering she has spent countless hours carefully curating this exact personality trait.
“When Emily was a kid, she definitely wasn’t easygoing,” said Emily’s mother, Winona Dalby. “She was super uptight. In fact, she’s still super uptight now. What prompted everyone to say she’s a chiller? She’s definitely not a chiller.”
Sources confirm that those closest to Emily know her to be Type A, high-strung, and pretty annoying if they’re being honest, while general acquaintances report the impression that she has nary a care in the world and is constantly moving where the wind takes her. This could not be further from the truth.
“I’d say I always check where the wind is about to take me before I let it do so,” Emily told reporters from her bedroom, which she calls her “Operations HQ.” “I’d hate to follow the wind and end up somewhere I don’t want to be. I plan relentlessly and overanalyze like nobody’s business. Can’t let anyone know that, though! How embarrassing!”
Researchers estimate Emily has spent 20% of her life curating the persona of someone who would never bother making that sort of calculation.
“I’d rather eat at a restaurant I hate than voice an adverse preference,” she continued. “I want the people around me to think that when I go to sleep, I just go to sleep! They cannot know I stay awake for 120 minutes on average, reliving every moment of the day and analyzing precisely where I went wrong.”
Sources confirm Emily now spends at least 30 minutes a day practicing classic ‘easygoing’ phrases in the mirror, such as, “Anything works for me!”, “It’s no biggie, bro”, and “Chyeah.” No one knows why she associates this last phrase with being easygoing, but reporters suspect it might have something to do with Garth from Wayne’s World.
“When we were seven, someone asked us to describe the other in three words,” said Emily’s twin, Harper Dalby. “I didn’t think much of it and said, ‘Detail-oriented, regimented, and precise.’ Pretty good vocab for a seven-year-old! Anyway, since then, I think she’s been really trying to get someone to describe her as ‘a good hang.’”
At press time, those closest to Emily had encouraged her to drop the chill facade and let herself be authentically tense. She answered, “Chyeah,” suggesting she missed the point entirely.