In a story out of New York City, 25-year-old Heather Mendez, who spent an extra 32 minutes in bed this morning, is reportedly not fucking around when it comes to closing elevator doors with ruthless efficiency.
Heather, who is expected at work at 9a.m., routinely spends the time between 8:00 and 8:32 in bed FaceTiming her sister, checking the weather multiple times, fact-checking Twitter beef, and trying to track down the name of pop songs she liked eight years ago.
But when it comes to the elevator portion of her morning commute, Heather is reportedly nobody’s fucking fool.
“I have a really hectic schedule. Every minute counts,” Heather told us, failing to take into account the first 30 minutes of how she spends every single morning. “Now, I’ve found that in the otherwise well-oiled machine that is my commute, the elevator is often the wild card that throws me off with its long-ass wait times, slow-ass door-closing times, and tendency to invite other people into the mix.”
Immediately as the doors open, Heather is reportedly already propelling forward with the momentum of her whole bodyweight, digging her knuckle into the ‘close-door’ button. Only when she finally feels the doors inching closed does she relax and actually push the button for her destination.
Heather has used this time-optimizing technique to nearly separate a running child from her parent, pretend to not see a senior citizen with a walker, and betray the humanity of a delivery carrier advancing towards her with an armful of packages.
“Time is the most valuable currency,” Heather said. “Call me cynical, but I have to put myself first.”
When arriving at her office building at 9:02am, Heather unleashed a violent sigh at every floor the building elevator stopped at, and even pushed the ‘close-door’ button before the doors even opened, keeping her colleagues locked inside the elevator.
“Sorry, but every little bit counts,” she said, “I value my time.”
At press time, Heather stayed up until 2a.m. tonight for the fuck of it, and already knows in her heart her alarms will be getting snoozed. Sources confirmed her neighbors and co-workers will be paying the price tomorrow.
