Problematic? Man Using Therapy Language to Get Out of Being Cult’s Ritual Sacrifice

In unsurprising but disappointing news out of an upstate New York commune, 34-year-old Patrick Monahan is misappropriating therapy language to get out of being the ritual human sacrifice this Sunday.


“It’s so obvious what Patrick is doing,” says Ann Lees, another cult member. “He’s weaponizing pop-psychology so he can avoid accountability while refusing to be sacrificed on a gorgeous pyre we all actually worked really hard on. I guess he’d rather throw therapy jargon around than provide restitution for all the sins of mankind?”


Patrick, who previously pretty much agreed to offer up his Earthly body for the greater good, has now been quoted stating that the sacrifice is a “violation of [his] boundaries” and that he feels his “consent was coerced.”


“Honestly, the idea of being drenched in gasoline and then lit aflame before the weeping eyes of my Creator just makes me really uncomfortable,” Patrick says. “And I think I need to listen to that response and really honor it.”


“Of course, this could just be my anxiety speaking,” Patrick adds. “But I think I might have some childhood trauma due to my dad’s affair that’s led me to develop trust issues vis a vis the intentions of Keanu Reeves. Not the actor; our leader chose the name Keanu Reeves for himself, and frankly I think that might be a bit of a red flag for us to unpack as well, but that’s for another time. Like a time after Sunday when I’m still alive because maybe we don’t sacrifice me?”


Wow! Dropping the ball on your obligations then blaming it on vague childhood trauma. Sounds about as manipulative as it gets.


“Patrick claims he wants to do the work of deconstructing his defensive response to being ritually sacrificed,” said Keanu Reeves, again the cult leader not the actor. “But honestly, I think he’s just stalling. Obviously, I would be the sacrifice myself, I mean I’m actually jealous of him that he gets to do it, but I have to be here to repopulate the Earth with my seed after the Great Cleansing that will follow the sacrifice.”


So true! At least some men still know how to say what they mean.



“I don’t throw this sort of language around,” Patrick says. “But the whole thing is actually pretty triggering. I mean, I’m not even sure triggering of what, because being burned alive would definitely be the worst thing to ever happen to me, but still.”


Keep making excuses instead of looking inward, Patrick! Sounds like circle talks with Keanu have done you no good!