A report emerging out of Brooklyn, NY confirms your worst fears: Despite what you’ve been telling yourself all these years, you are the friend who makes everyone else feel better about their own lives.
“What the hell!” you yelled at witnesses at the scene. “I thought it was Brian!”
Sources confirm it is not Brian – your childhood best friend who now works a boring desk job at the Department of Energy – and it’s kind of rude to suggest that considering everyone universally agrees it’s you.
“Brian has a purpose that shines like a bright light,” your other friend, Georgina Stine, told reporters. “You don’t even have that, which is kind of sad, but it’s awesome for the rest of us! When I feel bad, I remind myself that things could always be worse. For example, I could have been broken up with by the self-proclaimed ‘love of my life’ last week.”
Sources report that this was a low blow, but unfortunately true.
“When I lost my job last November, I couldn’t see a way out of my despair,” Georgina continued, even though no one asked her to. “Then we hung out, and you told me you’d just beaten level 763 of Candy Crush. All of a sudden, I remembered: I have a lot to live for! Thanks, man!”
“When I failed out of law school and took this job at the Department of Energy, I thought I’d hit the lowest of the lows,” said Brian. “But that was the week you decided to start your ‘Weezer Cover Band’ Cover Band – a band that plays covers of covers of Weezer – and I thought to myself, ‘Nope, I’m going to be just fine.’”
The 189-page report goes into detail about all the upsets and failures of your life that make everyone around you feel a whole lot better, but reporters have decided to omit the specifics for your sake.
On the bright side, sources confirm that everyone does really love you! After all, it’s extremely fun to hang out with someone who’s a little more fucked up than you – it really puts things into perspective.
At press time, you attempted to subvert your role as the dud of the friend group by buying a tricked-out motorcycle, but unfortunately, this just made things even worse. Keep up the great work!
