In a report emerging from the desk of a mid-town Manhattan data analytics firm, 28-year-old Dana Harbor just reassured herself that she’s totally fine and completely on-track just as long as she does a week’s worth of work in the next 25 minutes.
“I’m not worried about my current workload because the truth is, it’s entirely under control,” she told reporters from her desk, where she was throwing a ball up at the ceiling and catching it. “I just have to do all the work I’ve been putting off in the next 25 minutes, but that shouldn’t be an issue.”
Dana’s coworkers report she seemed so unconcerned about the whole thing that she let the first couple of minutes just pass her right by.
“She kept saying, ‘I probably need to get this done,’ then continuing to throw the ball up at the ceiling,” said Dana’s coworker, Martin Creen. “Where is this nonchalance coming from? Our boss is doing desk walk-throughs as we speak.”
As soon as Dana realized that five of her necessary 25 minutes had already passed by and that her boss was on her way to her desk, something appeared to click in Dana’s head, and she became extremely panicked seemingly out of nowhere.
“FUCK, fuck, fuck, fuck,” she muttered, throwing the ball aside. “Okay, as long as I have the most productive period of my life starting right now, everything is going to be completely fine.”
Sources confirm there is no reason Dana should expect that she’ll have the most productive period of her life in the next 20 minutes, because that sort of thing doesn’t really happen on command, nor has it ever happened in the past.
“It’s not even that bad,” Dana said, mostly trying to self-soothe. “I just have to talk to a client, get data from a third party, and compile all of that into a coherent and succinct presentation by…3:30.”
Reporters confirmed the clock read “3:19.”
Dana then muttered “fuck” a few more times under her breath and started making so many equal and opposite movements at the same time that she didn’t actually go anywhere or do anything.
As of press time, Dana’s boss had arrived at her desk three minutes early, which prompted Dana to burst into tears and beg for an extension on the project.
