A report out of Atlanta, GA has confirmed that it is officially too hot for 29-year-old Ola Atherton to look good, so people should definitely stop expecting that from her.
Temperatures reached the mid-80s in the city this weekend, which means Ola is no longer willing or able to dress for “form,” instead pivoting solely to “function.”
“I have a cute tank top that works perfectly in 70-ish degree weather,” Ola told reporters gathered in her room, where she is currently standing in front of her air conditioning unit and lifting her shirt all the way up. “But the second it hits 80, I don’t give a shit about looking cute. It’s all about having as little clothing on me as possible.”
For Ola, this means exclusively wearing a singlet from middle school track and a pair of booty shorts that used to be a regular length on her in 2010.
“I can’t be expected to look good in these conditions,” she continued. “If I’m outside, that should be widely regarded as a win.”
Sources confirm even if Ola did muster up the energy to throw together a cute outfit, she would sweat through it almost immediately.
“My hair is already busted from the humidity, so I figured it’d be okay if the rest of me followed suit,” she continued. “Spring is for being hot and slutty. Summer is for being too hot and too slutty out of necessity.”
Sources confirm they saw Ola walk out of the house in her underwear yesterday.
“Underwear is kind of the shortest short you can wear,” she said, clearly defensive. “That’s just practical thinking. Did someone say something? Nobody cares when you wear a bathing suit at the beach! Why do they care that I’m wearing just underwear in a residential neighborhood, huh?”
“Broad metrics of ‘fashionability’ follow a bit of a bell curve in relation to the weather,” said statistician Raina Mills, using a word many reporters figured was made up. “When it’s extremely cold, everyone looks like shit, and as it starts to warm up, things get exponentially better. We start to see well thought-out outfits and fun accessories. Once it edges into a stronger heat, though, fashionability deteriorates again. It’s just too hot to look good.”
This metric extends to sleepwear as well. As of press time, Ola had traded her cute matching pajama set for a simple pair of boxers, leaving her titties swinging in the wind, which is hot in its own right!
