A recent report from the Cleveland Research Institute indicates that you need to just fucking do the dishes.
“When we began this research effort, we considered all conceivable inputs and outcomes,” says lead researcher Dr. Magda Franklin. “We did take seriously the possibility that you should let your dishes soak overnight, or that you should watch four more episode of a half-hour dramedy and then wash them.”
“But none of those hypotheses were correct,” Dr. Franklin adds. “Resolutely, the data shows you should just walk to your sink, put on some gloves, and do the fucking dishes, then also wipe down the sink and the counter. Just do it. It’s not that hard.”
The “not that hard” argument was difficult to substantiate, given deep-seated psychological conditioning to believe the opposite is true.
“Our research and data extraction consistently found that once you just put your phone down and do the fucking dishes, it takes, like, five minutes, and you feel relieved afterward,” says statistic analyst Dr. Leslie Wong. “But still, at the start of each test, I was totally sure that doing the dishes was going to take forever and fucking suck.”
“I mean, I still sort of believe that, which is hard to reconcile because I am a woman of science,” Dr. Wong adds. “Please don’t tell my colleagues I said this.”
Dr. Wong isn’t the only one finding the report difficult to accept. The findings have already generated backlash, with internet commenters stating, “What if you’re really sick?” and “have u SEEN my sheet pan?”
“These arguments are really fallacious and don’t pose a threat to our findings,” says Dr. Franklin. “Maybe if you’re really, really sick it’s fine to leave the dishes for one night, but like, really? Are you? Do you think you’re going to want do them more tomorrow? No.”
In fact, there was only one case in which researchers found you shouldn’t just fucking do your dishes.
“Just play some good music and wash the goddamn dishes!” Dr. Franklin says. “But obviously, if you can guilt and/or trick someone else into doing them, you should do that.”
