Earlier today, 25-year-old Rachel Nadler revealed to friends that she has sex three to five times per week, as if she’s just swimming in free time.
Nadler, who is single, explained to friends that she has a solid roster of guys to choose from any time she wants a quick romp, and that regular sex helps clear her head and keep her focused in her day-to-day life.
What Nadler did not explain was the fact that she is somehow just comprised of unstructured free time the rest of us can only dream about.
Friends were surprised to learn Nadler has sex so consistently.
“Three to five times a week is like the entire week!” exclaims Lindy Lopez, Nadler’s college roommate. “I have a boyfriend, and we have sex maybe once every two weeks. Rachel is single. What, is she just crafted from free time?
Many were even more shocked to learn that, in addition to her tri-weekly fuckfests, Nadler also somehow maintains a steady job as an anesthesiologist, has a budding side business selling cheese-themed school supplies on Etsy, and is, on the whole, pretty happy with her life.
“I just don’t get it!” says Nadley’s sister Hayley, who has sex once a week at most, like someone with a normal amount of free time. “Does she have one of those Harry Potter time turners? What other explanation could there be? Three to five times a week is a million times a week!”
According to friends, they didn’t realize Nadler was having such a robust amount of sex because she also does a pretty amazing job of keeping up with the people in her life and making sure she’s there for them when they need her, as if time were just a construct and she’s found a way to transcend it.
“Is this like that Adam Sandler movie Click?” asks Lopez. “If so, can I also get one of those magic remotes, so I can have unlimited free time for sex stuff?”
When reached for comment, Nadler took a nice, long pause – because she can afford to do that because time just sort of emanates from her – then promptly hung up the phone to go have one of her three to five weekly boning sessions.