In a classic wannabe situation coming out of Manhattan, NY, 24-year-old Sophie Diggs is wearing a New York Yankees baseball cap even though she isn’t even a little bit bald.
Did someone say “fucking poser”?
“I’m a born and bred New Yorker, have been watching the Yankees since I was four, and just wanted to show my support for the team,” she told reporters gathered at the scene. “If I’ve somehow appropriated someone’s culture, I’m really sorry, I guess?”
“You’re damn right she doesn’t deserve to wear that hat,” said 42-year-old Ron DeStefano. “She’s not even kind of bald! Not the slightest male pattern baldness! For her, it’s a ‘trend,’ but for my people – the bald – we can’t take the baseball caps off!”
A survey of bald men confirmed they all felt pretty uncomfortable with Sophie’s “fake fan” behavior, considering she could take the hat off any time she wants with no social repercussions.
“She doesn’t understand the gravity of wearing a New York Yankees hat,” Ron continued. “If you’re not going to be bald, at least be able to list three people who are bald. Bet you just thought the hat looked cute, huh? Bet you just know a lot about the Yankees, too, and thought those reasons combined were enough to justify wearing the hat, huh?”
Sophie confirms she did think the hat looked cute, then offered to recount the history of the Yankees from 1903 – when the franchise was founded by Frank Farrell and Bill Devery – to today.
“I don’t care if you know about the Yankees!” Ron continued. “I care that all the strands of hair on your head are your own. That is personally offensive to me.”
Sophie considered taking the hat off, seeing how much distress it had caused the bald community, but she quickly realized she was having a pretty bad hair day and put it back on.
“A ‘bad hair day’?” Ron yelled, incredulous. “Will the insults never cease? Officer, arrest this woman on charges of being a poser!”
Ron then approached a nearby police officer, but he was busy doing nothing.
As of press time, Sophie had decided it wasn’t worth arguing and returned home to fix her hair and change into something much less controversial: a Nirvana t-shirt and a pair of Air Jordans.
Nice! That’ll appease everyone!
