Plan the Perfect Brunch for Friends Who Are Cool With Your Affair

Murder - Reductress

It’s Sunday, and you just want to relax with some mimosas and your best girls. You can’t have Lauren ruining that with her “ethics” and “threats to tell Dan about the affair.” That’s why we’ve created this handy guide for planning the perfect brunch to celebrate the girls in your life who get you.


The Guest List

Does Deb know about the affair? Can you remember if you told her? These are the kinds of questions you should be asking yourself as your assemble your guest list. At minimum, be sure to invite three gal pals you know have your back on this. If you have that level of confidence in any more girlfriends, heck, make a few more puff pastries and send them invites too! If you’re feeling really crazy, invite your friend who you know hates your husband, but doesn’t know about the affair yet – she could really be affirming when she finds out. Lastly, make sure that all invites say in a bold red font “DO NOT TELL LAUREN.”


The Decor

In choosing your place settings, go with neutral tones that evoke feelings of chillness and not-telling-anyone-your-secret. Get fancy, and create a centerpiece that says, “nothing is wrong” and “you guys are cool.” If you’re really feeling adventurous, throw the brunch at your secret lover’s house. His place is super dope, and your girls will love the chance to further support your unfaithfulness. Just make sure they’re able to resist the urge to Instagram.



The Menu

Ah, the best part of planning a brunch! You’ll want to make your girls something as rich as their loyalty. Cook up these delectable dishes the way you cook up all those lies to Dan!

Eggs Benedict – a delicious allusion to betrayal!

Blueberry Muffins – to match the beautiful blue of your secret lover’s eyes!

French Toast – a sweet treat for your sweet girls, plus another allusion to betrayal!

Bottomless Mimosas – a perfect match and an endless love, even if Dan stands in the way.


The Debriefing

At the end of brunch, remember to read from this transcript:

“Hey guys, thanks again for coming to brunch at my lover’s house. Before you go, however, let’s remember what this brunch was really about: me being a good person who has totally valid and sympathetic reasons for choosing to have an affair. I’d like to thank you again for being so chill and progressive in your thinking, and gently remind you not to tell Lauren, or of course, Dan, my husband of 8 years. Please take any leftover pastries with you, and try to get home safely despite being day-drunk. Love you girls so much.”


There you have it, ladies! All the steps to having your coffee cake and eating it too. No matter your sins, there will always be a gal pal there for you, ready to sip some champagne and OJ.