These days, there’s so much information on pregnancy and parenthood out there that it can be hard to narrow it down when it comes to the necessities. Don’t stress! We’ve whittled it down to the essentials so that you can whittle away your waist after that baby stops living a parasitic life inside your womb:
Cigarettes, of course! By all means, stay away from weed, which will no doubt give you the munchies. The last thing you want is a baby bigger than the palm of your hand. So buy those Menthol Lights, girl—you deserve it!
And not just water, hello-o-o! You are about to enter a lifetime of responsibility, which can be a real drag. So before you transition from criticizing your own body to criticizing your unborn daughter’s body, go ahead and treat yourself to that wine. Treat yourself to that entire bottle. Because you know what they say: a bottle of wine has fewer calories than a well-balanced dinner.
Ride roller coasters!
Your upcoming addition to your life, your family, and the world better start cardio immediately, and what better way than to clench its muscles in an effort to protect itself from being bounced against the walls of your uterus and keep an alarmingly high heart rate as it struggles to keep from being strangled by your umbilical cord? It’ll be a giant metaphor for your future relationship with your baby.
Have unprotected sex with strangers!
You can’t get pregnant once your pregnant, and it is like so obvious that your baby also acts as protection from dangerous venereal diseases. So straddle that stranger and work those quads, because no one likes the sight of a pregnant woman who has gained even an ounce of weight any other place than her abdominal area.
Binge and purge!
We all give into temptation sometimes, but don’t feel bad! What were all those summers spent at ballet camp if not to be comfortable shoving your fingers down your throat? Plus if anyone at work hears you, you can blame it on morning sickness. Do everything you can, but just remember: whatever you do, no matter what anyone says about how beautiful and radiant and glowing you look, rest assured: you look like an alien from a planet that runs on butter.
With all the advice swirling around, just remember that no matter what, all that matters is that mom and baby are skinny as fuck.