Our sisters are our first friends, and they’re also one of life’s first lessons in how some people are just born bitches. Use these tips to show your sister that you love her, but it’s not like you “need” her or anything.
1. Make texting your preferred method of communication.
You totally care for your sister, but make sure she knows that she is an option to you, not a priority. Teach her by example that you never answer your phone unless it’s Paul and you’re generally “too busy” to schedule a Skype date.
2. When she texts you big news, avoid exclamation marks.
A photo of an engagement ring? An ultrasound of a baby? The perfect response is “Good luck.” The lack of excited punctuation will give your sister the sense that you are proud of her accomplishments but definitely doubt her ability to handle major life decisions!
3. If she ever suggests going out to eat together, subtly mention your weight difference.
We know, we know, it’s hard being the prettier, skinnier, more talented sister, but it’s the cross you have carry because your lazy sister is too busy stuffing her face with Cape Cod potato chips and binge watching the first season of Downton Abbey (Ugh, finally, right? She’s too dumb to even know everyone cool has given up on it). When she suggests going out to eat, mention how you never eat meals past 6pm, or laugh, “Do you want me to lose my 23-inch waist or something?” The real point is, make her feel fat.
4. Make sure she knows you think therapy and anti-depressants are for the weak.
You’re just being honest, gawd. And honesty is a sign of, like, real love. Also bring up the multiple articles you’ve read about how ineffective SSRIs are. Roll your eyes when she asks what they are. I guess there can only be one smart sister.
5. Make a gratuitous “My life is so great!” Facebook post.
Tag all of the extraordinary people who have made your life so amazing, including the page you made for your cat. If your idiot sister asks why she wasn’t tagged, scoff and tell her Facebook only allows you to tag 20 people (you tagged 18).
6. Get matching sister tattoos with your best friend.
Ok, so, your sister has always been waaay into ink and you’ve always laughed at her in a judgmental way and swore you would never get one. But Emily who you met in yoga class is like obviously your spirit sister who knows you better than anyone else. So be sure everyone knows about the matching ankle tattoos you got. Don’t forget to Instagram that shit! The perfect description to write underneath: “For the sister I never had!”
It is totally fine if you want to hug your sister at family gatherings where your parents are watching. Just be sure to make very little eye contact when you do. With these tips, you’ll have a sister who feels like garbage whenever she’s around you in no time!
