Optimistic Woman Sees Husband’s Penis As Half-Erect

In what is being described as a classic example of “glass half full” idealism, Cleveland woman Caroline Blume, 38, told reporters Wednesday that she is optimistic about her husband’s inability to achieve a lasting erection. “I’m choosing to view Mark’s recurrently flaccid penis as half erect,” she says. “What can I say? I’m an optimist.”


Growing up, Blume expected to marry a kind, loving man with a fully functioning penis, but after encountering her husband’s erectile dysfunction a few years back, she determined to stick by his side due to his hand and mouth skills. Noting that even though her husband’s inability to have consistent sex with her can be trying, her positive outlook and dedication allows their relationship, if not their family line, to thrive.



“I always envisioned my future husband maintaining a workable erection for the duration of sexual intercourse, but that just wasn’t in the cards for me. At least he has a sense of humor!” Blume happily told reporters, while emphasizing her awareness that her situation would likely be a game changer for many other people. “When we got married, we agreed that what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine. So we prefer to say that we have erectile dysfunction and we can’t take Viagra because we have a heart condition, which leaves us feeling unwomanly, and we’re thinking of fucking our spin instructor, Tom.”


She adds, “See? We’re a team!”


In her typical optimistic way, Blume remains hopeful that future technological advances will one day help her husband achieve a raging boner. “I cheer myself up by imagining that there is a group of scientists holed up in a college laboratory somewhere, dreaming up ways to make Mark’s penis stronger. Sorry, I mean, our penis.”


At press time Blume had recently come across a study on the UCLA website that seemed especially encouraging. “This study states that drinking the water of a cactus an hour before having sex is beneficial in the same way as taking a handful of Viagra. So I guess we’ll head to the garden center to give it a shot,” Blume says with a smile. “We’ll make sure the glass is half full. That way maybe I can have half an orgasm.”