28-year-old Sandra Nelson was shocked and thrilled Thursday night to discover that her boyfriend Chet’s penis had a secret menu, with enticing new options she had not yet enjoyed.
“I knew that there were secret menus at like, Starbucks and stuff,” says Sandra, still in disbelief. “But what I never would’ve guessed was that my own boyfriend’s penis also had a secret menu. Now I order special things the public doesn’t even know exist!”
Sandra explains that any previous dissatisfaction or boredom with Chet’s penis may have been self-inflicted, because she simply didn’t think to ask for a secret menu.
“I guess sex just wasn’t good because I had never known any of these other menu items existed, and Chet had kept them a secret,” says Sandra, slapping herself on the wrist for how silly she had been before. “Secret menus are so fun and creative!”
While Sandra is not able to disclose the actual items on Chet’s penis’ secret menu, since they’re secret, she explains they’re all “very good” and have resulted in “sex for longer,” “attentive sex,” and “sex that results in different kinds of orgasm.” Wow!
“It would have been great if that stuff was on the regular menu in the first place,” Sandra says.
Sandra has been lauded as an inspiration, as women everywhere try to unlock their boyfriends’ penis’ secret menus.
For women whose boyfriends say they “don’t have a secret menu,” Sandra advises shouting during sex, “I’ll have the #3, and don’t pretend you’ve never heard of it because I have proof that it exists right here.” And she recommends always asking for a double portion.
When asked to comment, Chet said that even he didn’t know that his penis had a secret menu, but now that he knows what’s on it, he’ll be ordering from it exclusively.