In a story of unsettling dedication to self-improvement, 25-year-old Lizzie O’Neill, who wears her Apple Watch to social events, knows the exact health benefits of casually hanging out and having fun.
Awesome! Way to always put your health first, Lizzie!
“It wasn’t initially my intention to see how many steps I got in while hanging out at this party,” O’Neill told reporters. “But I have my Apple Watch on anyways, so I thought, what’s the harm in checking?”
While this may have begun as innocent, idle curiosity, sources say that it has become an unwavering ritual for O’Neill to track her heart rate on any given outing. Whether it be a house party, a night out at the bars, or even a picnic in the park, friends say O’Neill never fails to mention how many calories she’s burned.
“She’s always glancing down at her watch whenever we’re hanging out,” said O’Neill’s roommate, Clay Perrone. “When I call her on it, she says she’s checking her texts, but I know she’s actually trying to close her rings. It’s infuriating.”
O’Neill has reportedly even begun to weigh different activities against their relative health benefits, even going so far as to suggest one activity might actually be a more efficient way of having fun than another.
“It’s an obsession,” said Dylan Espinoza, a close friend of O’Neill’s. “We went to a brewery together last weekend, and she suggested we cluster around one of the standing tables, instead of sitting at one of the many open picnic tables. She said that her watch would know if she was sitting down. Like, okay, that’s ominous as fuck? I don’t need that kind of toxicity in my life.”
According to her roommate, O’Neill’s addiction goes much further than standing.
“One time we were at the club, and I thought she was dancing,” Perrone said. “But she was actually running in place.”
In spite of the growing concern of her loved ones, and the claims that she “doesn’t know how to have fun without closing her Exercise ring” – O’Neill insists that it’s all lighthearted, stating, “So I want to know what my blood oxygen levels are during my friend’s 30th birthday party. Is that really so bad?”
At press time, O’Neill, who had recently gotten engaged, adamantly denied rumors that it was only because of the number of steps she’d get in while walking down the aisle.
Whatever you say, girl!