In a super awesome story that bodes well for her life expectancy, 27-year-old Ryan Waller has come to the slow realization that all her favorite childhood snacks did, in fact, contain harmful amounts of lead.
Nice! Good thing she only eats organic produce now!
Following the announcement that Lunchables – which she ate every single day for about a decade – contain high levels of lead, Ryan decided to investigate her other favorite snacks, and was surprised to find that they, too, had been deemed hazardous by several federal regulatory agencies.
In addition to Lunchables, Ryan found lead alerts posted for every one of her favorite childhood foods, from gummies to fruit purée pouches, and even the cookies that her best friend’s mom brought to soccer practices.
“That one feels intentional. How did she even get lead in there?” she asked. “Was she manually putting the lead in? What cookie recipe calls for lead?”
Turns out: most of them!
In the aggregate, it seems that Ryan – who works out several times a week and gets consistent yearly physical exams – ingested three times the lethal amount of lead in the first 13 years of her life alone.
“I’ve done a lot of googling in the past 72 hours, and I’ve concluded that I have about 25 years to live,” Ryan told reporters gathered at the scene, where she was writing a bucket list of things she wants to do with her one wild and precious and short life.
At the top of the list, reporters clearly saw she had written “Kiss.”
After finishing her investigation into the lead content of her childhood snacks, Ryan considered looking into microplastics as well, but she figured there was no need to kick herself when she was already down.
As far as how she’s dealing with the news, Ryan maintains she’s not letting it get to her.
“Now that I know I’m walking around with an ungodly amount of lead in my body, I honestly feel freer than ever,” she continued. “Any day could simply be my last! I’m living on borrowed time already, so it’s given me permission to eat whatever I want and do a ton of drugs.”
As of press time, Ryan had discovered that the aforementioned drugs also contain lead.
