Fresh off of a five-year relationship, 26-year-old Haley Riordan has made one thing very clear: She actually would be willing to be set up with one of the many eligible bachelors her friends presumably encounter by the dozen.
Moments ago, over happy hour drinks at the Annex, Haley just breezily made the gracious offer for the 28th time that evening.
“Weirdly—like, I know this is crazy—but I’d actually love to be set up with someone my close friends have vouched for,” Haley reportedly told her friends moments ago, as if anyone on the planet would rather swipe through Tinder than meet someone through close friends.
And now that she’s back on the market, Haley can finally be set up with all those charming, kind-eyed, college-educated bachelors she assumes her friends have just been aching to set her up with.
“Obviously, my friends weren’t gonna like mention that their handsome guy friend was perfect for my while I had a boyfriend,” Haley says. “But that’s no longer an issue and I’m totes down for it.”
The first three or four times she offered up the idea, her friends entertained it. But when Haley’s co-worker suggested her cousin, Haley immediately dismissed as “too short and has weird patchy facial hair.” Haley’s friend Lisa mentioned that her brother was newly single, but Haley said she “can’t be someone’s rebound,” despite being only a week out of her own relationship. After that, Haley was on her own.
It’s unclear whether Haley thinks she’s talking to a new group of people each time, or if she thinks her friends keep forgetting to set her up. Regardless, at this point her friends are fully ignoring Haley’s requests.
“We…we hear her,” Haley’s friend Jessica tells us. “We just…where does she think we’re hiding this treasure trove of men?”
Haley, who regularly fantasizes about describing her future sort-of boyfriend as “a friend of a friend,” appears to believe this to be an interesting quirk of hers.
“This is so weird of me,” she gushes over a third vodka tonic. “But I actually think it’d be kind of great to be set up, instead of dating some Tinder guy who might turn me into a skinsuit, you know?” she told her friend Angie who’s been single for six years.
It can be hard getting back out there after being in a relationship for so long. Good on Haley for taking a bullet and bravely offering to let her friends do all the work in her love life!
