Teens are constantly having sex, but their sophisticated codes and covert language can make it difficult to catch them in the act of whatever they’re calling it these days. What you or I believe to be mundane conversation could actually be sex-laden filth talk, happening right under our noses! Whether you’re the parent of a teenager or just a concerned citizen, it’s important to arm yourself with the knowledge of their trendy debauchery and lascivious slang. Here are a few teen sex terms to keep you in-the-know:
Mother’s Day: A day when all the delinquent teens have sex in the woods together. The girls wear different color lipsticks.
Chris: Dude, Mother’s Day is this weekend.
Josh: Aw man, I totally almost forgot. I can’t wait to do sex with girls who have different color lipsticks on.
Savvy Mom Fix: 65% of all teens die from sex in the woods. Keep your ears open for all mentions of “Mother’s Day” and administer groundings as needed. You will get your child back.
CVS: “Clit vagina sex.”
Josh: Hey Mom, I’m gonna run to CVS for some poster board, do you need anything?
Mom: What happened to my baby boy?
Savvy Mom Fix: Your pubescent child’s brain won’t be fully formed for another 45 years. Forbid your child from going anywhere that isn’t home or school. Hormones are strong, but moms are stronger.
Angela: A person with whom everyone is having sex.
Chris: Angela’s mom wants to know if you’re volunteering for Field Day this year.
Mom: You stay away from that girl.
Savvy Mom Fix: Lay down firm boundaries, and don’t be afraid to be the bad guy. End any friendships with girls named Angela, Angie, Annie, Anne, or any “A” name. Your teen is a criminal and the world is a predator.
Intramural Volleyball: An after-school activity where all the kids turn gay for an hour.
Angela: Did you sign up for intermural volleyball?
Jen: Yeah! I think we’re on the same team!
Both: We are sex lesbians.
Savvy Mom Fix: There’s nothing wrong with being gay, but gay sex is very dangerous. 100% of gay teens die after sex because they suicide each other every time. Be a savvy mom and cancel your teens’ hobbies so they don’t die from sex.
AP Spanish: A challenging class for high school seniors to round out their college applications, and also to have sex with foreigners.
Josh: AP Spanish filled up super fast. I’m glad we got picked.
Jen: Yeah, good thing our mysterious foreign lovers convinced us to smuggle drugs so we don’t have to go to college and can instead have sex with them on a dirty beach somewhere
Savvy Mom Fix: Don’t let your child slip away from you. Petition your school to only teach languages that are not sexy, like German.
Food: Penis, or vagina.
Chris: Wanna grab some food?
Angela: Okay. Let’s go behind the bleachers.
Savvy Mom Fix: Don’t let your children eat food.
Grandma: Where a boy takes out his flaccid penis and slaps a girl in the face with it until she dies.
Josh: Hey Mom, I’m gonna visit Grandma. She seems lonely, and I actually love talking with her.
Mom: I’m calling the police.
Savvy Mom Fix: What happened to your baby boy? Sex happened. Have your son’s genitals encased in a soft cage so that he can’t do anything violent with it, and tell your daughter, “You don’t deserve Grandma.” They may not understand now, but later, they’ll thank you.
While this is just a mere drop in the vast ocean of secret teenage sex communication, any bit of knowledge helps. The next time you eavesdrop on a teen conversation, keep a keen ear out for these potential sex terms. Know the signs!!