Since returning from lunch, an account manager Beth Davis has received compliments from several different coworkers about her poised, confident posture, who were unaware it was just her desperate attempt to hold in a potentially career-ending amount of gas.
“Everyone loves a compliment, but I felt like a fraud,” says Davis from her home. “They all thought I was looking out for my long-term spinal health, but really I had just eaten three spicy tuna rolls from 7-Eleven.”
She added, “The day was hell, but you can’t say I didn’t ask for it.”
The first compliment occurred at 2:16 PM while Davis was on her way to a meeting. As she marched slowly down the hall, an HR woman behind Davis gave her a little poke in the back, saying, “YOU look like a woman on a mission!”
“I was on a mission,” Davis reflects. “My mission was to stay flexed until I walked past the men’s bathroom where I could release a small trail of toots.”
While Davis concedes that it was a “low move,” she claims that “no one would link me to the smell around there since ladies with great posture don’t rip meaty beefs. Sorry, guys.”
The second compliment occurred at 4:02 PM, when Davis’ tablemate Conor looked over and said, “You sit up so straight!”
Davis accepted the kind words by barely shrugging and smiling with her eyes, perilously close to destroying the whole fourth floor with just a single slouch.
“I didn’t know what to do,” Davis later admits. “He caught me at a really weird time. Honestly, I had to fart so badly that if I exerted myself, even to open my mouth to say thanks, I’d lose control of my body and release at least six farts or one extended fart. My husband is unemployed. I need this job.”
Davis typically receives a few compliments over the course of a month, usually when she wears that one dress from ModCloth. Today, she has received three compliments (all posture-related) and one high-five initiated by the other person. “That high-five almost ended the whole charade,” says Davis, painfully reflecting on the moment her anus almost gave up. “But it was so nice to feel cool, even if I had to let one out just a little bit.”
Shortly after the second compliment, at 4:40 PM, Davis was sitting unnaturally erect in a second meeting when her friend Grace Gchatted her from across the boardroom table, saying “[Y]ou’re the only person paying attention to this presentation! You totally deserve that promotion they’re apparently giving you.”
“Now I was suppressing a laugh on top of a meeting’s worth of farts,” Davis explains, somewhat frantically. “And what Grace said isn’t even true! I wasn’t paying attention AT ALL! I was doing a mindful meditation to relieve gastrointestinal stress.” She adds, “She was right about the promotion, though. Wow. What a day.”
When asked to elaborate further, Davis begged to be given “a sec.” She then proceeded to walk over to an unoccupied corner of the office and begin intently reading an emergency evacuation poster.