How to Quickly Snoop Through His Phone When His Eyes Are Shut Mid-Sneeze

Snooping is an essential part of any romantic relationship. But times are changing! Just because your man sleeps with his phone in his hand and puts on passcode lock while he showers doesn’t mean you get to just coast on the assumption that he’s cheating. You gotta look for proof! If you wanna know if he loves you so, you need to look for that single opportunity when your man’s guard is down—the split second he closes his eyes to sneeze. Here’s how to use that moment to find out what his phone knows that you don’t:



As the saying goes, luck is opportunity met with preparedness met with a good, long windup to a sneeze. If he catches a head cold and you’re not well practiced enough to seize those tiny moments of nasal explosions as the information goldmines they are, you’re gonna feel like a real dummy for missing your chance. Build your skill and speed by catching birds out of midair and rifling through old ladies’ purses on the train. But don’t forget that you HAVE to go in there with a plan. Know where you’re gonna start—texts? Emails? Trick question: Always start with Snapchat. Just make sure you get out of there before he says, “CHOO!”



Use Your Environment!

Pretty much anything in your environment can be used to give you a head start on that sneeze. You should constantly be steering him toward stuff that might get a sniffle. Flowers at the farmer’s market? A basket of kittens? Is there a mulberry or box elder tree nearby that you could give a good shake? If he looks like he’s trying to sneeze but is having a hard time getting there, tell him to look at the sun. This old wives’ tale will give you a chance to look at his unprotected phone screen to see who he’s been texting all day. You can bet your left tit it’s Emma from work. It’s usually her. She’s asking about “work stuff” again.


Seize the Moment

Move fast, and with purpose. This isn’t the time to start second-guessing if you should really be “invading his privacy” or “disrespecting the terms of your relationship.” Once his nose starts to wrinkle and his eyes start to close, your hand should already be IN his pocket, and that phone better be back home safe and sound before his face leaves the crook of his elbow. If you do it right, nobody will know that you know he has a friendly, non-threatening email rapport with Cindy from Crossfit.



If you don’t pull it off the first time, don’t worry! Most women spend years perfecting these techniques, and definitely burn a few relationships to the ground during that process. If he gets weird about it, its definitely because he’s hiding something and should be confronted—especially during allergy season. Happy hunting!