How do you know if you or your relationship is good and healthy? By comparing yourself to your friends, of course! If you’re a little bored and looking to make your friends feel batshit insane, up the ante by telling lies that will completely freak your pals out and leave them thinking they’re doing everything wrong. Here are some key untruths to leave them feeling confused and inadequate!
“We have sex every day—sometimes more than once!”
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a normal sex life and the frequency with which you and your partner get nasty is completely subjective to your schedules and sex drives. But that doesn’t mean that hearing that another couple fucks waaaay more than you won’t make you feel like your brain is oozing out your ears! Drop this sweet detail nonchalantly, as if you assume that of course everyone is getting rammed on the daily, and watch your friends’ expressions fall. For some extra flavor, whisper, “I can’t imagine not having sex every day!” You’re on top now, bitch!
“Oh, I don’t really watch TV.”
Sure, in an ideal world you’d only connect with other people over your shared emotional experiences. But we don’t live in an ideal world; we live in a world where there’s a lot happening on The Bachelor and in Shondaland and no one wants to talk about how bad they feel on the inside. But force them into that dark place by saying, “Oh, I don’t really watch TV” the moment the conversational momentum has picked up around a certain show. Regardless of whether you watch it, stare blankly until your friends feel literally stupid. Then say, “I mean, who has the time or money to pay for cable? I’d rather read, thanks.” Before you know it, your friends’ features shrivel then fall off their faces. Later you can go home and watch Young Pope because of course you watch TV—you’re not a fucking psychopath!
“I fucking LOVE my body!”
This little lie packs a big punch! Any time a friend mentions a healthy lunch choice, the fit of an item of clothing, or body image in any way, just shrug and say, “I’ve really learned to love my flaws.” Infuse it with a tone of “What—you don’t?” Variations on this lie include, “I’ve never been interested in weighing myself,” “I eat whatever I want—life’s too short!”, “Who has time to be insecure?”, or “I actually think I could be a model!!!!” and will make your friends feel like the ground beneath their feet is collapsing. How did you get to be that way? Why aren’t they like that? Bonus points for punctuating your overenthusiastic self-praise with a big bite of a cheeseburger or slurp of a milkshake. But what’s really fueling you is your newfound sense of power!
Lying is bad, but that doesn’t mean you won’t do it to the people you love most. After all, if you have to deal with daily insecurities, why not pile them on your friends so that they feel utterly unhinged? Sorry!!