‘Money Isn’t Everything,’ Says Person Who Has It

In a completely unsurprising story out of Manhattan, NY, the words “money isn’t everything” were just spoken at brunch by someone who, conveniently, has lots of it.


“Who cares about money! Live your life!” said Paige Murphy, who quite obviously cares about money seeing as she hoards it, and who by “live your life” means “drink 17 mimosas at this brunch with me.”


Sources informed reporters that Paige is constantly reminding people that there are much more important things in life besides money.


“She’s always like, ‘When you’re on your deathbed, will money be there to mourn you?’” said Paige’s friend Rebecca, who just told Paige, again, that she doesn’t want to do mimosas, as she’s trying to save money. “And it’s like no, bitch, obviously not, but money could definitely keep me from being on that deathbed for a few more years at least. I can’t even afford health insurance.”


Paige told reporters she thought that this perspective was incredibly shallow, and that one day Rebecca would wish she placed less emphasis on things like “getting health insurance” and more emphasis on things like “making this brunch bottomless.”


Rebecca suggested that Paige wants to think money isn’t important because she gets all of hers from Lockheed Martin and a vast generational fortune, saying, “I’d want to forget about money too if all of mine was covered in blood.”


“At least I’m not obsessed with paying rent,” Paige responded, kind of missing Rebecca’s entire point. “I feel sorry for you. Have you even smelled a flower before? Felt the sun on your skin? One day three ghosts are going to pay you a visit and remind you that there’s more to life than your precious gold coins.”


Sources said that, yeah, Paige gets pretty much all of her morals surrounding money from the 1992 classic, The Muppet Christmas Carol.


“I think she fancies herself a reformed Scrooge or something,” Rebecca said. “Which is fine, I just don’t get how she doesn’t see how that whole story was basically about how Kermit the Frog’s Bob Crachit actually needed more money.”


“Once Scrooge stopped focusing on all the money he had, he was way happier,” Paige told reporters. “Whereas Kermit’s Cratchit was miserable because all he cared about was making sure his family had enough food to make it through the winter. He just didn’t have that abundance mindset.”



Reporters agreed that she was fundamentally misunderstanding the point of the film.


As of press time, Paige had Venmo requested everyone an equal amount for brunch, even though she was the only one to drink mimosas. 


“Yeah, money isn’t everything but I’m owed what I’m owed and what’s mine is mine.”