‘I’m a Self-Starter,’ Says Woman Who Can’t Even Respond to One Text

27-year-old Ada Gordon prides herself on being a self-starter – in spite of the fact that she struggles to respond to even a single text and has 91 – scratch that, 92 – unread text notifications on her phone.


“Yeah, I’ve got my shit together,” Ada said while simultaneously swiping to dismiss another text, bringing her overall unread text notifications to 93.


“I’ve pretty much got a handle on all the basic tasks that comprise my day-to-day life,” Ada continued, as if that was something that should impress reporters. “I’ve always said: ‘Take initiative!’ It’s the most surefire way to be successful.”


Reporters felt she didn’t actually understand what “initiative” was, as she needed to be reminded three times to respond to their requests for comment.


“I work effectively without regularly needing to be notified of what I need to do,” Ada continued, undeterred.


Unfortunately, actual notifications don’t even seem to do much to encourage Ada to respond to her texts, but still, she insisted that she doesn’t need them or any other external regulator to get stuff done.


However, sources close to Ada had a markedly different perspective regarding her being a so-called “self-starter.” Specifically, Ada’s boss seemed visibly confused about the use of the term.


“She’s what we call a ‘push-to-start,’” Ada’s boss, Nadia Hughes, told reporters. “You know how sometimes you have to give a car a running push before it’ll get going? If you’re poor that is. Yeah, Ada’s like that. She really said she’s a self-starter?”


“I’m, like, super self-motivated and all that,” said Ada, who refuses to schedule any meetings or appointments in advance because “the future doesn’t exist yet.” “That’s why I hate when my boss micromanages me. It’s like, hello! I’ve obviously got this under control!”


Ada’s boss said she didn’t think sending a single email after months of unresponsiveness from Ada’s end simply to inquire if she still worked at the company was “micromanaging,” but was still open and receptive to the feedback and would try and do better.


“I’m always actively trying to do better,” Nadia told reporters, which they felt was actually a good example of being a self-starter.



As of press time, Ada had yet to deliver her final comments to reporters, even though she said she’d provide them weeks ago. Multiple texts sent from reporters inquiring about said comments had gone unanswered as well.


If reporters were going to guess, they assumed she’d say something like, “I’m my own notification,” or some shit.