So you’ve officially managed to get your boyfriend to move in with you and your furry little cat-child. Excellent work! But if you want to keep him around now that you’re used to this lifestyle of consistent sex, you’ll need to drop the British lady persona you worked so hard on refining for lil’ Countess Weatherbottoms. Make him more comfortable around your feline child by lowering your tone a few decibels to butch up your cat’s inner dialogue. Here’s some go-to man voices they’ll both appreciate!
His High School Football Coach
The next time little Boomer leaps into his lap begging for attention, bust out your impression of Coach Johnson, the most impressionable man in his life after his father. Say, “Number 32! If you’re gonna come onto my couch, you better come ready to pet!” He’ll suddenly jump at the opportunity to feed your buddy, give him nuzzles, and even do a few pushups out of respect. Touchdown!
A Boston Accent
Boston dudes are men’s men, and your kitty was rescued from a tough life of stray cat hooliganism. Personify her street-wise attitudes into a dude from Southie. Any line from any Matt Damon movie should work. If your cat jumps into your grocery bags while your boyfriend’s trying to unpack, ask, “How do you like them apples?” and watch your beau feel connected enough to fist bump her paws. Reminder to the drop the R’s when saying “purr” in, “I’m fucking purring fuh you!”
Idris Elba in Beasts of No Nation
“What is this thing doing here? Who is responsible for bringing this thing?” you murmur, pointing Whiskers’ paw at a fresh turd. Add a cigarette for extra effect and watch your man leap at the chance to clean the litter box for such a mighty soldier.
A Sales Associate at REI
Remember Devin, the twenty-something who helped you guys pick out camping gear? Back-pocket his ruggedly confident, rock-climbing-knowledge voice, and now your boyfriend will respect the cat’s urge to climb on top of cabinets, even the ones he gets stuck on. So adventurous! Cats are manly and cool!
Cartman from South Park
Cartman isn’t that manly, but dudes love South Park! Your man will be so into it, he’ll think it’s really your cat dropping those primo references. When kitty jumps on his laptop, make sure to a drop a “respect my authoritah!” line and he’ll be all like, “Wow, this cat is SO funny! I like cats who like South Park.” This is what domestic bliss looks like!
Remember, lots of guys think it’s lame to like cats because their high-pitched meows are feminine and therefore stupid. So fix it by making your cutesy imagined cat voice to be a little more manly. Grrrr!