6 Grunts to Make When You Run Into That Guy Who Tried to Put It In Without a Condom

So your friend Katie is still friends with that dude Brian who tried to enter you with no condom that one time. And now you’re both drinking out of plastic cups at her house party! Cool!!!! Here are six grunts to make when you’re five feet away from your last gray-area negative sexual encounter and it looks like you’re gonna have to say hi or at least acknowledge each other because you can’t make a beeline for the door because that would be rude and drama-y and also like why should you have to go home you didn’t do anything wrong:


1. “Ughh.”

This classic grunt will help expel the angst you feel upon seeing his pretentious hair-swoop among your mutual friends. You knew you should have gone to the other party first! Now you’re stuck in a game of who’s-gonna-make-eye-contact-first chicken with a dude who almost gave you syphilis.


2. “Unf fuck.”

A little bit of swearing never hurt anyone! This ab-clencher double whammy is perfect for when you realize that a group of six people is leaving this party, making it much more likely that you’ll have to say hello. Fuck! Unf!


3. “Nngghh’t.”

Do you sometimes wonder why women are constantly put in the position of playing goalie against all sorts of unwanted sexual situations? Well, Brian sure doesn’t! Mutter this little ditty under your breath while chatting with your friend, and pray that she picks up on your distress and suggests going out to the fire escape for “a little fresh air.”



4. “Gggggglllllllll.”

Always a quirkster! A jokey little throat-roll will make this whole situation seem a little cuter, even though you’re having a dark moment at this party because you’re stuck in the mental image of his sloppy boner moving unsheathed toward your body. Being a woman is fun!


5. “Juuhhh god.”

Oh wow, he’s waving and smiling at you with his arm around another girl’s waist. Looks like you two are about to have a full-on “nothing sexual or bad happened between us, we’re just two regular mature people, neither of us tried to put their penis in the other one with no condom without asking and wouldn’t have stopped unless I yelled” conversation! Give this little grunt down into your cleave, and try not to mouth the words, “I sometimes wonder if you have ever raped someone” while listening to him talk about his cool new job.


6. “Ohhhh.”

Try this spiritual grunt on for size. It’s just one “m” away from an “ohhhmmmmm”! That sense of balance will come in handy when you realize how close you came to having to ask this asshole to go Dutch on an abortion.


There you have it: the definitive list of grunts for when you see that demi-predator at your next social function. Juuhhh god!