Last Saturday night, Brooklyn resident 28-year-old Dennis Connors texted a woman for the thirteenth time in a row and, just as he suspected, the last one he sent made her want to sleep with him.
“I’ve always believed that if you want something you have to give it everything you’ve got,” says Connors. “For me, that means bombarding women with a bunch of texts in a row like, ‘Hello? Wanna hang? Ok.. Lol. Thinking about your body. Hello?’ I see it as a compliment that I’m giving them so much attention.”
At 11:34 pm on Saturday, Connors texted 25-year-old Ellie Hartman, asking if she’d be interested in “getting together later.” Connors had met Hartman a month prior at a mutual friend’s bar night.
“I remembered Dennis from Kathleen’s party. He was nice. But I wasn’t really in the mood to go out on Saturday,” says Hartman. “I put my phone down for about fifteen minutes, and when I picked it up there were thirteen messages from him. I met him one time. What the heck? Who does that?”
Sources confirm Hartman responded to Connors with a text that read “…dude” in an attempt to shut down his advances.
“When I saw the text where she said ‘dude’, I was like, yes, she’s back, she’s totally down to fuck,” explains Connors. “Usually women don’t respond to my texts, so it was definitely nice to hear back. And here’s the kicker: before I sent the thirteenth text I thought, maybe I should stop. I was about to text one final ‘fine, bitch,’ but but then she responded. Now I know she wants me and I won’t stop texting until we’ve hooked up!”
Connors has vowed to always follow his gut from now on when it comes to women.
At the conclusion of this interview, Connors excused himself, pulled out his phone and began furiously sending text messages. When asked who he was messaging, he responded, “Women. Everywhere. They don’t know it yet, but they want to hook up.”
Sources confirm no women anywhere want to hook up with Connors, and it would be best if his phone was destroyed.
