This night didn’t turn out to be the adventure-filled funfest you promised in your mass text, but there’s no way Kayla could have known that before she made the selfish decision to “take some time for herself.” Why would she want to be 100% guaranteed to have a nice evening with herself when she could have been out here having a lame time with all of you? She’ll regret it. But just to be sure she does, do all of these things before the night is over:
Have everyone mass-text the same weird joke at the same time.
An old favorite, the you-missed-this-great-inside-joke series of texts really strikes a chord in content homebodies. They think, “Wow, I could’ve been laughing about this one single thing and all I’ve been doing is watching my favorite season of Parks & Rec!” It’s okay that none of you developed any inside jokes tonight, and instead spent most of it waiting for an Uber to take you home since the bar had a small fire. You want Kayla to feel like she missed out on quirky humor and group bonding. She must pay.
Instagram everything.
Tag her in a bunch of photos she’s not in. Tag her over the face of the friend you were hoping wouldn’t show up. She’ll become overwhelmed, thinking, “Look at them, sitting around a cramped table together with that person they hate, and I’m just here in my robe and slippers in my warm, comfortable bed drinking a full bottle of wine for the cost of one glass … What’s wrong with me? Do I have social anxiety or something?” Visual jealousy is the one that really hurts the most.
Use lots of exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is the best way to overexpress your enthusiasm for the evening that’s more about hoping someone comes to talk to you than anything else. Because how dare Kayla be snugly at home with her DVR that loves her unconditionally while we’re out here in weather-inappropriate dresses trying to get guys we don’t like to like us? Being in your 20s means being uncomfortable from Friday to Sunday. She can’t just opt out like that. What is she, a hermit? Fuck Kayla.
Text her any of these 12 things:
“That one bartender is working, the one with the accent ;)”
“…Are you on your way yet?”
“Tim is here and didn’t bring his girlfriend this time!”
“NACHOS!!”
“Emoji, emoji, crying emoji”
“Your life from now on is going to be regret after regret. / Oops, wrong person!!”
“Nothing is the same without you…”
“Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha”
“…Sorry, you just had to be there.”
“When did you decide to stop enjoying fun?”
“Can you believe this picture?!?!!?”
“Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh! This night!!! WTF?!!!”
Invite her to brunch tomorrow.
Brunch will be the only thing to make this hangover worth it. Kayla will deduce from your indoor sunglasses and constant use of the phrase “hair of the dog” while you sip your screwdriver that last night was both sexually and emotionally liberating on planes you never thought you’d reach. Bring it up every chance you get. Otherwise, how will she learn not to go with her own gut and just listen to yours?
Lie.
You know all those exciting things you spent the night hoping would happen? Tell her they did!
Face it: That whole night you were teetering on the line between no-fun and really needing to rethink your entire life up to this point. But Kayla is your friend, so she should be life-crisis-ing right along with you.
