So you’ve decided to tease your hair. Yay! But, you’re worried about the damaging effects of teasing. Don’t worry! We’ve broken down how to tease your hair – without making it feel bad – into six easy steps:
Step 1: Gather your tools.
You’ll need hairspray, a fine-toothed comb, and a list of things that your hair is insecure about.
Step 2: Plan your attack.
Are you going for big Texas beauty pageant hair, or the more demure, depressed ’60s housewife tease? The bigger you go, the more you should plan to back-comb before you physically and emotionally damage it. To start with a more natural style, we recommend gathering a one-inch section of hair at the crown of your head, and lightly teasing it about something embarrassing it did in college. Use some hairspray for extra hold.
Step 3: Don’t let up.
Continue gathering one-inch sections, back-combing with fluid strokes, and giving your hair a hard time about the dumb pick-up lines it uses when you’re out at bars. If you’re looking for even more volume, reference the latest dumb text messages it has sent, and shame it for all the times it used “your” instead of “you’re.” BUT: If you rip a piece of hair out, stop teasing; if your hair has a strong negative reaction to you making fun of its adolescent weight issues, stop teasing; if your hair starts blinking back tears and slowly shaking its head at you with a far-off look in its eyes, definitely stop teasing. Your hair needs you, but you need your hair.
Step 4: Smooth things over.
You’ll want to go back over the teased sections, smoothing them over so that they fall neatly, and arranging them so that they don’t completely break down later in the day. Try lightly going over the back-combed sections with a bristle brush, and maybe giving your hair a compliment or telling it you think it’s really cool and smart. You don’t want to completely undo all your teasing, though, so also be sure to emphasize that your hair should really learn to take a fucking joke.
Step 5: Take it all back.
At the end of the day, you’ll want to carefully untangle the mess of a physical and emotional state that you’ve left your hair in. Grab some deep conditioning spray and gently unknot your tresses with your fingers, reminding your hair that you were “just teasing!” and it should really let it go. Be sure to detangle slowly and carefully, and try not to sound too defensive, or like you’re belittling your hair’s feelings. Even though it really shouldn’t be so goddamn sensitive all the time.
That’s it. Now take a look in the mirror and smile at a teasing job well done!