Are you so sex-starved that you’ve redeemed your vibrator’s lifetime warranty? Started flipping your panties right side up then inside out then sideways cause nobody’s seen ‘em in months? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, it’s time to get real and lower the romantic bar. Here’s how to determine just how close to the gutter you need to skulk!
Your Twenties: Get Less Picky.
If you’re still in your mid-twenties and not a complete disaster, you may only need to drop your standards by one significant level. For example, “I want a guy with a job and a nice family” becomes “I want a guy who only does a lot of coke on the weekends”. This is a pretty common compromise for your twenties, so you may as well get used to it.
Your Thirties: Give Up – You’ve Hit Bottom.
If you’re pushing 30 and are still sober enough to acknowledge it, consider doubling down to really lower those expectations. It’s easy to say, “I want a man who’ll say I’m pretty and agree to wear a condom,” but it takes a seriously mediocre chick to take that one step further into: “I’d spread my legs for any man who will take me to the fancy CVS and wait outside while I buy my own Plan B while I tell myself I’m pretty on the inside.”
Your Forties: There’s A Trap Door.
If you’re nearing 40, single, and not notably rich or attractive, save your remaining time on this earth and free-fall down several more echelons of self-respect. Ten years ago you may have been saying, “I want a boyfriend who’ll tell me I’m beautiful and maybe ask me to marry him.” But you’re 40 now, so that will never happen. There are no genies to grant you your silly hopes and dreams, so lower it a notch to, “I want a fuck buddy who will text me, ‘U look okay I guess’ after a great deal of coaxing.” If you’re in your mid or late forties, that may still be a bit of a reach, so hop down a few more rungs on the ladder for
Your Fifties: How Are You Still Alive?!
If you’re over 50 and still dealing with these issues, stop reading this article now and ask a doctor how you’ve survived this long. You should be dead by now, you sexless shadow of a woman!
So go ahead and kiss (or maybe just high-five) those unrealistic expectations good-bye, rephrase them in a less asinine manner, and you’ll be well on your way to navigating the love life you actually deserve in no time!