After throwing her phone down in a fit of exasperation, attractive and available 24-year-old Ella Fitzpatrick has solemnly informed her friends, “Love eludes me,” despite the fact that she has never responded to a single Tinder message in her adult life.
Sources confirm Ella currently has 167 matches on Tinder, and approximately 95% of them have sent her a message, but she has ignored 100% of them.
“I just wish a boy my age would give me the time of day,” Ella told a circle of supportive friends, clearly forgetting that three boys named Matt messaged her on Tinder last night.
“And girls are never into me,” Ella continued, even though she’s left 45 girls on read this year.
“I just want someone to make an effort, you know?” she finished, conveniently forgetting the hundreds of people who have made an effort.
Ella cites being unwilling to make the first move as her #1 barrier to finding love, but evidence suggests she is similarly unwilling to make the second move, too.
Scientists remain baffled by Ella’s behavior.
“We compiled all the data on Fitzpatrick’s romantic history, predispositions, and love languages to see if she is, indeed, unlovable,” said Rutgers researcher Dr. Michael Tanner. “We’ve come to the conclusion that if she literally would just message someone back, just once, truly once, like, message back once, then she might find love.”
Despite Ella clearly being the reason for her woes, her friends listened thoughtfully while she waxed poetic about being condemned to the life of a spinster.
“I guess I’m just not destined for love,” she said, even though she literally could be if she replied to a single “wyd?” text with what she was doing.
One brave friend mentioned Ella could try messaging her matches on Tinder, to which she responded, “Ew, no. That’s so desperate.”
At press time, Ella decided she would simply have to meet someone in person, then spent the day in the back corner of a coffee shop, glaring at anyone who got close to her.
