Teddy Roosevelt said, “Speak softly and carry a big stick.” We say, “Speak even more softly and carry a big bag with loud print!” No one likes a Dana-Do-This or a Sally-Stop-That, so why not give your naggy mouth a break and let your clothes do the talking?
Graphic
Think the 60s—mod, cheeky, and liberated! A vintage Pucci headband will pull together your whole look—and it will tell that homeless guy that no, you don’t like him stroking your ankles at the bus stop. Read the print, Boner Bob!
Houndstooth
Like the baying canines of its namesake, this sassy check is graphic and in-your-face. Tie on a bold scarf of this pattern and hope that Denise interprets it as a request to stop reformatting cells in Excel spreadsheets. The formulas are there for a reason, Denise! Give her a piece of your mind with this up-front pattern.
Checkered
This print takes things to the next level, especially if you go with a 3-D pattern reminiscent of a classic 80s video game. Wear a smart, checkered pencil skirt with patterned leggings when you attend any kind of protest rally. They won’t remember your message, but they will remember the girl with the rebellious fashion sense. Take back the night? More like take back those boring tights! Ska forever!
Plaid
It’s not just for schoolgirls and bagpipe enthusiasts anymore! Pair a striking green and red tartan with horizontal stripes to really jazz things up as you tone your voice down. Maybe this combo will make your boyfriend realize that the sounds he makes while chewing make you want to die!
Floral
A vibrant mix of hothouse flowers in jewel tones will freshen up your wardrobe for spring. Although it may be unorthodox, try wearing a sweet floral shift to Grandma’s funeral—maybe then everyone will hear what you have to say after cousin Brad shows up wasted!
Polka Dot
You can never go wrong with a simple polka dot, so don’t be shy! Your look should say, “I’m here to be noticed”— which should help those feelings of neglect when your family forgets to pick you up from the airport when you go home for Easter. We know you’re the middle child, but maybe next time they’ll remember?
Paisley
While it can be demure in soft pastels, go bright and big with your choice of paisley. This way, when the police find your bold scarf while searching for you, they’ll definitely get the message that you were fed up with everyone’s bullshit and are now living off the grid in a shack with a man named Om. Goodbye, cruel world!
Now that you’re armed with these great sartorial ideas, don’t be afraid to get out there and let your clothes have a say. Remember, though, that a bold print can only do so much—the rest is up to your choices of shoes, hairstyle, and lipstick. Good luck!
