Maternity Clothes That Won’t Say, ‘I Poked Holes in the Condom’

pregnant - reductress

Congratulations! Your man has finally made the commitment to be with you and only you. Well, you and that child of his, currently growing inside your womb! But you might notice his friends giving you the side-eye every time you rub your burgeoning belly. Keep in mind: Only you know the truth about how “accidental” this conception was. And as long as no one reads your journal or reviews your search history, that’s how it will stay. In the meantime, here are some adorable outfits that will have everyone thinking this pregnancy was a blessed act of God and not the deceptive ploy of a desperate woman.


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Japanese Weekend Colorblock Maternity Dress from Nordstrom $98

This flowy dress gives off a Mother Earth vibe that says condoms fail 18% of the time and you just gotta go with it. The contrasting shades of blue highlight the unreckonable forces of nature at play. Pair the dress with bare feet to complete the look of someone who must just be extremely fertile, okay?


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Jessica Simpson Maternity Cap-Sleeve Striped Maxi Dress from Macy’s $69

The adorable Chevron print will make everyone in the room think your boyfriend is so over his ex that he subconsciously willed your pregnancy into being, even though he still likes her photos on Instagram. The ombre color patterns distract from your deep-seated fear that one day she will take him back and you’ll be left a single mother.


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Olian Stripe Maternity Dress from Nordstrom $99.16

This dress is so cute, no one will guess that you have no idea where your boyfriend has slept the past three nights and thought that this whole plan would’ve elicited a proposal by now. The adorable bow is like gift-wrapping the biggest mistake of your life!



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Tankini Swim Top by Liz Lange for Target $24.99

The V-neck is your best attempt to remind everyone that it’s your fun and carefree attitude that got you into this mess, not your careful conniving and elaborate plan to hide the truth.


Pregnancy can be tough. But when your body swells, remember that this is all a product of true love – and it’s up to you to make sure your boyfriend and everyone else realizes that.