Linda Refuses to ‘Take it Down a Notch’

Nerdy Chic - Reductress

Despite being a good friend and excellent employee, office manager Linda Bakersham of Newark, Delaware, completely refused to take it down a notch when requested. After she was seen enthusiastically grinding against strangers at a folk concert, despite the fact that she’d only had “half a wine.” Her boyfriend, Eric, asked her to take it down a notch, to which she replied, “Right after this song.”


“It’s never actually ‘one more song’ with Linda,” says Eric. “I had to stop shopping at Old Navy because she’d get so excited about the sales that she’d start hugging the employees.” He reports sadly that she did not comply with several orders to cool her jets. “We’re banned from like, six malls.”


“That concert was by no means the first time Linda really needed to take a chill pill,” says co-worker, Jaime. “I once asked her to staple together a few packets with the new electronic stapler, and she stapled every single sheet of paper in the office.” She was given a warning to simmer down immediately.



“I Invited Linda to my birthday party last year, and she ate my entire cake, slice after slice” says Linda’s friend, Kathy. “Everybody knows she’s diabetic, but all she kept mouthing was ‘Just one more slice.’ It just showed a flagrant disregard for the appropriate notch to take in that situation.”


“It’s only a matter of time before Linda becomes a danger to herself,” says Eric. He hopes that ridding themselves of all material goods will allow Linda to live a normal life, but is sure that Linda will “find a way to screw the pooch and jump the shark eventually.”


“I’m just praying she doesn’t discover Buddhism.”