Woman Who Hasn’t Started Shopping Yet Openly Complaining About Crowded Stores

Since early December, Danielle Wilkins of Queens, NY has been audibly whining about the rush of holiday shoppers when she realized it was probably too late to shop online.


“I have things to do,” said Wilkins, who has not left her home in 36 hours. “I work all day and then I’m tired. Who wants to shop when they’re tired? Apparently the entire city because everyone and their brother’s dog is probably clogging up the stores right now.”


“This happens every year,” noted nanny, Theresa. “She waits until 4PM the day before Christmas, stands directly in the path of 50 retail employees, and screams about how many people there are until someone asks her to leave. And then guess what? Yup. She complains about that, too.”


Theresa has offered to do the shopping for her in November, but Wilkins has refused. “Every Christmas, it’s something different. She doesn’t have a list, she doesn’t want the kids to find the gifts, or she is waiting for just the right gift idea. If I’m really honest with you, though…I think she just likes to complain.”



“Everyone knows Danielle has approximately two billion cousins,” says coworker John Shapiro. “Last year at 3AM on Christmas Eve, she was caught on the security cameras curling ribbons at her desk. It’s one thing to procrastinate, but it’s the complaining that really makes me want to strangle her with some sturdy tinsel.”


Wilkins was last seen standing outside The Paper Store, with a list of items she thinks her mother and six aunts would like. When asked for a comment she replied, “It just seems so busy in there. Don’t these people have somewhere to be?”