If COVID is Real, Why Haven’t I Been Visited by Three Ghosts Desperate to Teach Me an Important Lesson?

The virus known as COVID-19 has supposedly infected over 13 million Americans and killed nearly 270,000. We’re being urged to stay inside, cancel our plans, and wear masks. But I’m just not convinced that COVID is even real. I mean, if it were, wouldn’t it seem likely that three ghosts would have visited me by now to teach me an important lesson about it?


Don’t get me wrong – I want to believe in the devastating virus that has destroyed millions of peoples’ lives! It’s just that I haven’t personally gotten it, and I also haven’t been visited by a spooky apparition calling himself “The Ghost of COVID Past”. Maybe that ghost could show me something that would totally change my perspective on COVID, like what happened to all the people I coughed on when I went to that mask-free wedding shower in April.


I guess I could ask Dana and Mark what happened to them, but they stopped texting me for some reason.


I’m just spitballing here, but what if there was, like, a Ghost of COVID Present, and he came by to show me all the people who are sick in the hospital right now? Like, I guess I know that people are in the hospital, but it feels like it would REALLY hit home if a ghost could physically come to my house and take me on a journey of discovery tailored specifically to me. I am almost certain that would go a long way in making me believe in COVID!


And look – I’m not an idiot, but there is just so much about COVID I don’t believe is real. Which is why it would be super helpful if the Ghost of COVID Yet To Come would come to reveal something so tragic and compelling that it would shake me to my core. Something that would really drive home how irresponsible I’ve been by refusing to wear a mask and continuing to go to my hot yoga and throat singing classes every day for the past ten months.



What if he showed me, like, a dog who looked sad because his owner died? If I saw that, it would totally inspire me to think about changing my ways. I love dogs!


Honestly, I don’t mean to sound high-maintenance, but I’m just not convinced that I’m going to be able to take this “pandemic” seriously until a trio of ghosts swings by my house on a night that’s convenient for me (I’m busy Mondays and Thursdays) and teaches me about COVID. That’s just what I’m going to need to believe that this thing is actually a big deal.


Until then, I’ll just have to keep dodging that weird little sickly kid who keeps trying to talk to me when I’m at the bar for happy hour. God bless us, everyone!