Help! I Fell in Love With an Immortal Winter Spirit and Now My Nipples Are Always Hard

For all its wonder and joy, falling in love can do a number on your body. Sometimes butterflies feel more like stomach-churning; catch your beloved’s gaze and the words may run dry in your throat. But all of that is pretty manageable compared to what I’ve been dealing with, and that’s why I’m asking for help: I fell in love with an immortal winter spirit, and now my nipples are constantly hard. This has been going on for weeks.


Any advice or feedback from people who have experienced something similar is appreciated!


I first met Timothée (no, not like Timothée Chalamet and he actually hates when people bring that up because Chalamet is 24 and my Timothée has literally always been and always will be) when he appeared before me in the reflection of an icy lake. At that very moment, my areolas pulled inward like a frightened tortoise and my nipples boldly protruded like a very confident tortoise. In short, my nips were hard. I didn’t think much of it because I was standing by a frozen body of water and had just been significantly startled by an immortal spirit appearing before me, but then something happened: nothing. They just stayed that way.


I’ve been to several doctors already and nothing has helped.


At first, Timothée was shy, but our mutual curiosity always pulled us toward one another. He would flirt, blowing through me in the wind or peering through my living room window at the world of warmth and light of which he could never be a part. But even as my heart melted for Timothée, my nipples never got the message. I mean, seriously. We’ve been dating for four months and my nops have been brick the whole time. I’m worried they’re going to fall off — could that happen? Please help me.



Despite our disparate vessels and lived experiences, Timothée and I fell hard for each other. Love doesn’t always make sense, and neither does the fact that my Hershey nipsses have been so puckered for 122 days that I’m worried about stuff getting stuck in the creases. Should I talk to Timothée about it? He’s very Tim Burton in his communication style: all about the cold and romantic aesthetic, not much to say. I’m not sure he’d respond well to this? Someone please just tell me what to do.


At this point, I find myself at an impasse. I know Timothée is the one because the fact that an immortal spirit chose me as a lover makes me feel special and also he has these amazing cheekbones, but I’m not sure how many more sweaters I can afford for my teats to gradually drill holes into. Any information you may have, please reach out. Do it for love, do it for me and Timmy, and most of all, do it for my ragingly rock hard nipples. Thank you.