I have been babysitting Laney for two years now. In that time I have watched her grow in size and confidence; I have taken her to play dates, prepared her meals, and patiently answered her every question about the world around her. Never in that time have I done anything to wrong her. Or so I thought. However, that perception changed the day this cruel 5-year-old drew me ugly as fucking hell.
It seemed like a day as full of hope and promise as any other when I went to pick Laney up from her preschool last Thursday. But as she filed out of her classroom, I glimpsed the crayon drawing clenched in her grubby fist and knew something was awry.
On the 8” by 10” disaster was an adorable depiction of Laney holding hands with what appeared to be a sickly ogress. I was about to ask her if she’d been learning about Francis Bacon, when I saw the arrow clearly labeling the monster as me.
In total discordance with my bone structure, she had drawn my head as a massive circle, then topped it off with outrageously thin hair and seriously fucked up eyes. I’m not exaggerating when I say I had to excuse myself and step into the restroom when I laid my eyes upon that monstrosity. Splashing my face with cold water wasn’t enough; I had to run the faucet over my head for about 4 minutes before I could even see straight.
If Laney has always secretly harbored the opinion that I am a hideous bitch, then I wish she would have at least had the integrity to tell me up front. When I demanded that she explain what was meant by this, she said, “I drew us together and we’re holding hands because I love you!” What the fuck does that shit mean, you dumb bitch? You think I’m your ugly friend you pose with in pictures to make yourself feel better?!
Maybe I’ve been using too many Snapchat filters and lost sight of what’s real, but last I checked I don’t have weird pink cheeks and literally no lips? Also she drew me in an A-line dress! When the fuck have you seen me in an A-line, Laney? Never, that’s when, so shut the fuck up, babe.
Needless to say, the whole ordeal shook me to my core, and I am no longer babysitting this traitor to women. I only hope others will learn from my mistakes. Never get too close to a child, because they might just draw you fucking ugly. Bye, bitch!
