I’m a very sexual person, but in recent months, I’ve been going through a bit of a dry spell. You know how it goes—your career takes off, your family needs your attention, and you’re just too damn tired to go out and catch dick. I hadn’t realized just how long it had been since I had sex until one morning a tumbleweed rolled straight out of my vagina, followed by an old man who stepped out and said, “Storm’s blowin’ in!”
Ugh! Why is dating so hard?
Before a man from the Old West crawled out of my junk and told me to take heed, I’d been thinking that my situation was normal. Plenty of my friends have gone months without having sex! But when I dropped my pants to pee and instead felt a prickly ball of thistles roll out, I knew that my situation was different. And then, when that old man crept on out with a fearful yet stoic look carved on his old face, I realized: Maybe it’s time to give Tinder another try.
Hey, I’m not trying to say that women need sex in order to be happy. Plenty of people live fulfilling, happy lives without getting any action. But feeling a man with a long, gray beard climb down your vaginal canal and push out of your body with a dramatic gasp for air and a hand-rolled cigarette hanging out of his mouth doesn’t make me happy! I’m finally mature enough to admit this.
In some ways, I think I owe that tumbleweed and that withered, old man a big thank you. I hadn’t realized how much my sex life had gotten away from me until I saw an ominous warning from a shriveled man emerge from my sexless hole.
The man and I didn’t exchange words… not aloud, at least. But as he said, “Storm’s blowin’ in,” he gave me a long look and I had a realization: The storm was my sex life and it was gonna blow on back up my cooch at any moment.
So, I still haven’t had sex since that experience. Sometimes I do feel a little tickle in my pants and think it might be that old man back to issue another warning. But I’ve downloaded dating apps again and I’m sure that before long, I’ll be setting up a date and getting fucked badly, just like the old days.
