I Don’t Want a Sugar Daddy, I Want a Reparations Uncle

In this late capitalist economy, we millennials have to do what we have to do to get by. For some young women, that means finding a sugar daddy to help them with their expenses. I support all women, including sugar babies, and find the idea of a well-off man paying my bills in exchange for my company compelling. But, as a black woman, I want something a little more tailored to my needs and experiences. That’s why I don’t want a sugar daddy, I want a reparations uncle.


Yes, I want an older white man in my life who pays all of my bills, including my student loans, my rent, and the financial void left by the lack of opportunity for my ancestors to build generational wealth that was dictated by the fact that they were considered literal property.


I don’t think I’m asking for much!


Now, I understand that the idea of reparations is a controversial one. Many critics of the concept think that it is unfair and unnecessary for Black Americans to be given money by the government simply for being the descendants of slaves. Well, those people are wrong and dumb. We deserve reparations, and I specifically deserve them in the form of a reparations uncle: Not only to level the playing field after hundreds of years of my family being denied the same wealth-building options as white Americans, but because the idea of a rich older white guy making up for it by paying me and getting nothing in return just tickles me.



Of course, sugar daddies usually require some kind of transactional arrangement. In many cases, young women provide their sexuality, their beauty, or even just their company to an older man who, in turn, finances their lifestyle. In my case, I will provide my Black presence and only that to an older man who will, in turn, fill my bank account and apologize for the unforgivable original sin of our country.


I will also consider getting preachy to him about the history of Black American prosperity and the deliberate steps our white supremacist government took to prevent Black people from advancing financially as part of our arrangement, but that’s to be discussed.


Look; I understand that this is a tricky topic, but it’s just one realistic way for young black women to supplement their income while also providing rich old white dudes a way to start making amends with the legacy of white supremacy. And considering the steps that my family, who, again, are the descendants of literal slaves, had to take to even get to where they are in the face of racist policies, racist social norms, and even racist violence, I am looking past the idea of a sugar daddy and aspiring to a reparations uncle. Any takers?