In a perplexing story emerging from New Orleans, LA, 26-year-old UX designer Indigo Weylan is extremely tired this morning even though she has not gotten the recommended daily amount of sleep even once in her life.
“I have absolutely no clue why I’m tired,” she told reporters gathered at the scene, many of whom had their own theories. “I mean, I slept last night!”
Sources maintain having “slept last night” is the bare minimum requirement for human function and should be expected.
When asked if she got enough sleep, Indigo replied that she got the same amount of sleep she always does, then said a number that made reporters shudder.
“I got, like, six hours,” she replied, which means she got five. “No clue why I’m so tired, though!”
Sleep scientists confirm that is definitely not enough sleep by any medical metric, especially if she’s getting that little consistently, but yeah, no clue what thing could possibly be to blame for this fatigue.
“I really prioritize sleeping, so I have no idea why I’m chronically tired,” Indigo continued. Reporters did a little digging and decided it’s a bit more apt to say she prioritizes napping, not sleeping.
“I sleep a bunch every night, then take, like, three naps of varying lengths during the day,” she continued, seemingly unaware why this would be fucking up her circadian rhythm. “Sometimes as short as 20 minutes or as long as three hours. This is the type of sleep schedule that should produce a wakeful and alert person!”
Scientists contested that this is the type of sleep schedule that should produce a corpse.
“I don’t know why she’s not getting enough sleep, considering she goes to bed every night at 10 p.m.,” Indigo’s roommate, Tyrese Williams, told reporters. “Then she wakes up around 10 a.m., so I figured she was getting a full 12 hours.”
Contrary to Tyrese’s assumption, Indigo does go to her room every night at 10 p.m., but she doesn’t go to bed until several hours later.
“I like to catch up on the news. It’s so important to stay informed,” Indigo said, which was an interesting way of describing sitting on her phone for four hours in the dark.
As of press time, Indigo had decided she was finally going to get her sleep cycle in order by nixing her nightly 10 p.m. cup of coffee. Medical professionals were extremely concerned that this was even a habit of hers in the first place.
