Sources at the cafe you frequent with your friend Marissa confirm that you just asked how one of your secrets got out, to which she responded, “No clue! I didn’t tell anyone!” She then paused for a second, which suggests she is about to list the two exceptions.
“Someone told me that they heard I think Brooke is kind of passive aggressive,” you said, broaching the subject with plenty of tact. “Which is crazy, because you’re the only person I told!”
“Oh woah, that’s really odd. No clue how that got out considering I didn’t tell anyone,” Marissa responded, appearing extremely confused. A long pause then ensued, after which she said, “Well, I told Priya because she’s my girlfriend, of course.”
She paused once more for effect and appeared to be thinking really hard, even making a few motions with her hands to suggest she was racking her brain to recall the last several weeks.
She then smacked her lips and said, “Oh, I guess I also told Hadley because she asked.”
According to experts in the field of oral history, this is a common phenomenon.
“We conducted a survey of over 15,000 friendships,” said University of Michigan Professor McKenna Douglas. “99% of the time, when someone said they ‘wouldn’t tell anyone,’ they immediately told two people. This is a reasonable threshold. The other 1% of the time, they’d tell three, which was the upper limit.”
The study found that telling over three people when you said you wouldn’t tell anyone makes you kind of a bad friend or, alternatively, suggests you weren’t that close to the person to begin with.
“There is one subtle exception,” Professor Douglas continued. “If your friend says, ‘You can’t tell anyone. Like, I’m so serious. No one. Because if this gets out, my friend will know I told someone,’ then you genuinely can’t tell a soul.”
Back at the coffee shop, Marissa awaited your response with bated breath. Upon considering this mild breach of trust, you’re letting her sit in the awkward silence for a second before inevitably forgiving her.
“Oh, no worries,” you replied finally. “I guess it was kind of an open secret.”
She laughed heartily, relieved at having been forgiven and resigned to change absolutely nothing about this behavior.
As of press time, you were making a mental note never to tell her anything ever again.
