I feel like all I do in my usual relationships is give and all everyone else does is take. So when I learned to speak to animals I thought my newfound power would help me feel like I was actually making a connection with them, Unfortunately, the animals seem to only want one thing: vape pens.
It took years of study for me to gain a full understanding of animal speak. I imagined having a loyal band of followers to walk me home at night, sew me a new dress, and just generally sympathize with my struggles in life. Imagine my horror when, the very first day I can finally talk to animals, I’m sitting on a bench trying to make a real connection with this squirrel and he looks at me and I can see that he understands me and opens his tiny horrible mouth and says, “Hey Lady, what’s a guy gotta do to get a vape pen?”
Now every time I go outside, all I hear is a chorus of tiny voices asking me to buy e-cigs and atomizers—just more furry bodies that want things from me. What’s the point of learning to talk to animals if they’re just going to be unsupportive little nicotine addicts? If I had realized this would be the case I wouldn’t have wasted so much time learning the language of the critters and learned how to use my fresh pasta maker instead.
Now that I can talk to them, I can say with certainty that animals are way bigger assholes than I ever expected. They’re just as greedy as every ex you’ve ever had and care even less about meeting your needs. I guess they don’t teach manners in the animal kingdom and instead just gossip constantly about how great vape pens are if you can convince a human to get you one.
First of all, who even vapes besides my cousin Travis? Second of all, excuse me, since when do squirrels vape? Whatever. Then, before I can even say anything, the squirrel stands up and does his little “Call of the Wild” and suddenly hundreds of squirrels, pigeons, rats, raccoons, you name it, are running toward me. Then they all cheer and start running back to their hidey holes and returning with nuts and small stones and holding them out to me as payment. Animals must be pretty stupid if they think 75 stones and 53 acorns is going to cover the cost of almost 300 vape pens.
I left, obviously—the whole thing felt so rude. Also, if I had done it, animal rights activists might have gotten the wrong idea and thought I was enabling animal addiction. Which isn’t fair anyway, especially because I would have been so generous financially.
Has talking to animals improved my life? No, in fact I would say that it has actively worsened it. I can’t walk down the street without tripping over a rat who’s trying to ask me to get some fruit-flavored e-liquid or vape juice. It sucks. The one thing I will say is that I think my life and my amazing story would make a fantastic book or movie or tv show or talk show or maybe just a morning show appearance or two and I am totally open to any of those possibilities.
But until I am translating a conversation about addiction between Dr. Phil and a squirrel, I’ll be doing my best to tune those fuckers out.
