In a testament to the power of perseverance, 32-year-old Ayanna Brodson has officially recognized that she can’t drink the way she used to in her 20s, but goddamn it, that’s not going to stop her from giving it the old college try.
Sources confirm Ayanna had this realization on Saturday morning after a heavy night of drinking, but she’s doing her best not to let it prevent her from a second night of heavy drinking today.
“I used to be able to throw back five to seven drinks like it was no one’s business and wake up without a smidge of a hangover,” she told reporters from her bedroom, where she was laying under the covers with the blinds closed. “Now, when I throw back five to seven drinks, I get super sick the next day. I’m still going to do it, but I have to account for that other stuff, which definitely changes the vibe.”
Ayanna’s friends told reporters she spent the night complaining about how her tolerance “isn’t what it used to be” while simultaneously throwing back more mixed drinks than they could count.
“She kept saying ‘My head is going to hurt like hell tomorrow,’ after every single shot,” said Ayanna’s best friend, Randy Hendricks. “So she must have said it, like, nine times if my memory is correct? Maybe 10 if you count the one she took off a stranger’s belly button.”
Reporters confirmed that most metrics would count this.
“She keeps saying she can’t keep up with the pace she set in her college days then replicating that pace exactly,” Randy continued. “Her commitment to remaining in lockstep with her younger self is really remarkable. I just wish she were this committed to anything else, like maybe her job or her health.”
“Listen, I said ‘I can’t drink like I used to,’” Ayanna continued in her own defense. “But I never said I wouldn’t try.”
Reporters had to give it to her that this did have a noble ring to it.
As of press time, Ayanna did go out drinking for a second night in a row, did wake up feeling “worse than she has ever felt before in [her] goddamn life,” and does plan to do it again next weekend.
Sure, girl! 32 is a state of mind!
