How to Channel the Delusional Confidence of Your College Alumni Association Asking You for Money

There are times in everyone’s life where they wish they were more confident: a first date, a job interview, an email to your landlord requesting that your heat function properly. That’s why we’ve come up with these tips on how to help you be as confident as you can be by channeling the delusional energy of your college alumni association having the gall to constantly ask you for money.


Know your worth, then multiply it by 5000%.

College tuition prices in the U.S. are the highest they ever have been, and why should your self-confidence be any different? Inflate your self-worth as much as possible. Reverse engineer a low acceptance rate by swiping right on everyone on a dating app, then personally rejecting them in DMs. It’s all about keeping your stats looking good from the outside, even if you’re fundamentally failing as an institution. If your college can do it, then why can’t you?



Always ask for more than what you need or even deserve.

If you’re the type of person who never asks for any help, try reaching out to other people in your life for what you really need, and also just ask for things you don’t actually need at all! Sure, there might be better places for people’s time, energy, and money to go, but just pretend that you fully don’t know that. Maybe invite people to a weird brunch where they can have bagels and orange and juice and give you thousands of dollars.


Use others’ help for something completely unnecessary.

If you’ve received help from someone, use it in the most useless, unnecessary, and maybe even corrupt way. Colleges do this all the time by insinuating that their donations from alumni will go towards scholarships and helpful programs for students and then spending them on new real estate instead, so you should be just as unapologetic when you ask for people’s help and then use it in the most selfish way possible. If they deserve it, then you deserve it, queen!


If you’re not sure how to be more confident in your day-to-day life, getting a call from your college alumni association about donating can be a great wakeup call on how to channel their insane, delusional confidence. Hopefully, you can ask them to give money to you instead!