No matter how old you are, you want to be popular. Whether you’re sharing your Handi-snacks with the coolest girls at the 6th grade lunch table or gossiping with the ladies in the office who have the power to invite you to Margarita Mondays, the importance of your popularity level is super important. So, now that you’re a mom, here are four ways to use your offspring to help toddle your way up the social mom ladder:
When Your Child Wakes You Up at 5am, Start Primping for the “Cool Mom Meetup”
Your kid is going to scream for his eighteenth cup of water at 5am; so, instead of tucking yourself back into bed, start primping! It’s not that much effort to invest in some leave-in conditioner and a quality flat iron in the name of true friendship. And please keep a clothing calendar to refrain from wearing that red shirt twice in the same week. It’s time to up your game, you loser.
Force Your Child to be OBSESSED with whatever the Popular Moms’ Kids Are Into
If all of the cool moms’ kids are getting into t-ball by age three, you get your doughy indoor kid into top shape! But don’t let him be TOO good, cause it will screw things up with Cool Mom Kristy if her son Presston isn’t MVP this year.
Encourage Your Child to Try the Monkey Bars!
Cool moms are super into daring kids and kids with disabilities. And a broken leg is temporary enough to not put anyone out for too long – cool moms have a lot more important things to do than you, after all. Plus, a cast gives your son a chance to get Presston’s autograph. Save that piece of plaster. That kid’s going to be President of student council someday.
Sell All His Birthday Gifts For Tuition to That Elite Preschool
Everyone knows that the coolest moms send their kids to the most expensive preschool in town. Attending the same school means more carpooling, more after-school programs, and more PTA meetings with the hip, rich moms and all their cool clothes! If you have to, sell all of his birthday presents to make it happen – he won’t know the difference. Anyway, if your son’s not learning the alphabet next to Presston for $20K a year, it’s not worth learning the alphabet.
Just remember, if you’re not in the ‘in-mom’ crowd, it’s not worth having children in the first place.
