Wire hangers: They’re not just for desperate abortions anymore!
With the war on safe, legal abortion in full effect, Planned Parenthood locations are being shuttered all over the country. And did you know that 97% of the services Planned Parenthood provides have nothing to do with abortion? The vast majority of patients go there for birth control, STD treatment, and life-saving cancer screenings, including mammograms. Because of that, and since October is Boobie Ta-Ta Awareness Month, we’re doing a totally radical activist thing that may very well save lives. If you’re over the age of 40, are without health insurance, and there’s no Planned Parenthood in your area, here’s how to give yourself a mammogram using the same wire hanger you’ve been holding onto for future botched abortions:
Step 1: Remove your bra.
Ahhh, that feels good!
Step 2: Select your wire hanger.
Tear off any paper covering, if present.
Step 3: Mold the hanger into the shape of your boob.
Careful not to poke yourself with the sharp hook at the end. (That’s for abortions only!)
Step 4: Press it onto each boob in a circular direction, feeling carefully for lumps.
Is this what a mammogram is? We’re all 23.
IF YOU DON’T FIND ANY LUMPS:
That’s great! Cover the hanger with a white knee-high for a fun Halloween craft. Boo!
IF YOU FIND A LUMP:
Oh. Um. You should really go to the doct—wait. Um. Maybe see if there’s a free doctor? Like a women’s clini—wait. Okay. Um. Maybe just…hang tight? For a few years? And see if you die of cancer? If you die of cancer, then you know you have cancer. Easy and cheap! To take your mind off of things in the meantime, wear something pink!
Sponsored by Ted Cruz for President 2016