It’s the new year, so your resolution to “stop gossiping” is back again. You should be able to quit talking about Jill’s married boyfriend till at least February, but what do you do when you hear that Megan contracted herpes? Not tell all of your mutual friends? That’s insane. Here’s how to spread the news without technically breaking your resolution to stop being the Grand Central Station of hot goss:
Google Search It Up
Next time you have the ladies over for a Bachelor viewing sesh, make sure to leave your laptop open on your latest Google search: “How to support a friend named Megan with very severe case of herpes.” This will plant seeds, as well as make you look like the supportive and caring friend you are.
First, draft an encouraging email to Megan and don’t forget to include all of the WebMD links you spent six minutes gathering. Then accidentally send to Megan H. or Meghan S. or Meg M. (whichever Megan has the biggest mouth) instead of the intended Megan recipient. There’s just so many Megans! Afterward, send a follow up note admitting to the error and begging them to keep it a secret, virtually ensuring that they will do no such thing.
Classic ‘Butt Dial Gone Bad’
Next time you’re hanging with your herpes-infested bestie, give her a pep talk about how her sex life isn’t totally ruined. Make sure to “accidentally” butt dial a Megan during the convo. No one can blame you for not being used to your new iPhone yet.
Be a Martyr
Pull Megan H., Megan S., or Megan M. aside for a Megan summit, and talk to them about how you’re “seriously, like, REALLY worried about Megan.” Explain how you can’t keep it a secret anymore and reluctantly spill the beans, but only because you want to help her. That’s just the kind of friend you are.
Remember: Speaking ill of others is ugly and rude, but not if it looks like an accident. Your friends need to know about this!