So maybe you went a little overboard at Tina’s party last night. In the harsh light of afternoon, you’re questioning the deluge of hurtful truths you unleashed in her living room; just because you were going 110% at that box of wine doesn’t mean Tina didn’t theoretically need to hear what you had to say. Try one of these fail-safe methods to make yourself feel better about ruining Tina’s party, and possibly her life.
1. You helped identify her boyfriend’s cheating tendencies. So yeah, you told Tina about your ongoing affair with her boyfriend-fiancé or whatever. Who gives? You saved her from ending up with a guy who’s a total loser, despite his perfect penis. Casually remind her that she shouldn’t want to be with someone who would cheat on her anyway. Maybe send her a handwritten note with an enclosed pamphlet about chlamydia (which she almost definitely has now; sorry girl!).
2. It’s no biggie, in a global context. Between the rising tides, Iran’s nuclear proliferation, and ISIS, you telling Tina her face “sucks” really isn’t a huge deal. We help our friends by reorienting them in a positive direction. Remind her that her weird lopsided eyebrows are nothing compared to the near-constant threat of global warfare. It’s all about perspective! She’ll know you’re sorry about what you said, but more sorry that we live in a politically terrifying climate.
3. Apologize, then distract her by setting a fire in her backyard. Tell her that you’re sorry and that you hope she can forgive you for insulting her religious beliefs. Then light a tire fire in her back yard and ask her just what she plans to do about that. The panic, heat, and disorientation caused by the fumes will let her look at the whole situation in a totally new way! Where’s your god now, Tina?
4. Pretend you’ve been a celebrity in disguise all along. Ask her if she, too, thinks it’s crazy that no one has ever seen you and Beyoncé in the same room. When she accuses you of being delusional, remember: She’s just upset about you saying her dog might be retarded. Just tell her if she promises not to tell anyone, she can have an autograph.
5. One word: yogurt. Make up for saying that her new couch is “literally the Holocaust” with some probiotics! These helpful bacteria will not only balance out Tina’s stressed system, it’ll also remind her of the time you guys were so into yogurt. Ugh, remember? Frozen, Greek—it didn’t matter. GONE ARE THOSE HALCYON DAYS. Present Tina with a tub of live dairy and say, “Friends?” She’ll feel so cool drinking Gogurt out of a plastic tube that she will absolutely forgive and forget instantly.
Just because Tina feels ugly, hurt, and betrayed doesn’t mean you can’t make yourself feel better about it! Control-z your life and get your friendship with Tina back on track!